It has been five months since my last post and to be honest I am disappointed in myself. Like times before I have let my circumstances overwhelm me. It is important, however, to not beat myself up for this. Which I have habitually done in the past when , as I like to say, “I have fallen off the planet.” When I “fall off the planet” I isolate myself. I don’t do much outside of going to work and coming home and going to bed.
I visit my “Abyss”, which is like this internal pit of despair. It is this place where I am prone to making a list of all the things I have done wrong, all the things I have yet to achieve, and telling myself this is not where I thought I would be. I have to fight it. This way of thinking is a habit for me. A habit that turns me to my addiction to food to sooth my racing mind. I have to pause the moment I recognize the spiral. Focus on what I am grateful for and blessed for having. Focus on why what I am going through evolves me. Focus on the lesson at hand. Focus on the change I have made by acknowledging my behavior and working on changing my thoughts.
One of the greatest challenges on this journey is not changing my body but changing my mind. If I don’t change the way I think, changing the things I do won’t last very long. I know from personal experience. I have started over many times before but this time is different. I am dedicated to changing myself inside and out for me. Not for someone else and not because of someone else…but that is a tangent for another entry.
To continue on track, I have been going through some transitions. I have got a new job, I am in saving mode to move and get a new car, additionally whilst working on a few other things. Amidst the following I have gotten into a funk, which is a bit evident from the previously mentioned Abyss that I have the reflex to visit. It happens from time to time, particularly when I am making changes or adjusting to them. On the bright side the past few months with more conscious awareness I have not let my funk set me back.
Instead, and in spite of doubt; depression; and or anxiety, I have pulled my unmotivated/exhausted behind out of my bed to do whatever it is I have needed to get done during these transitions. Even if it was the minimum for a day.
Physically I haven’t been walking like I was over the summer, but a new challenge has kept me from falling behind. My new job keeps me on my toes regularly requiring me to dash back and forth or stretch. Granted, I do still want to establish a workout routine outside of this. This is something I must make happen. Making time to make the life I want rather than settling for a minimum. It is a fight worth the struggle of battling myself over.
Here is the updated starting point for 2018.
(new measurement/first measurement)
Onward and Upward,