Even in the twenty-first century if you are an unattached individual something must be wrong with you. That is the feeling I get every time in my adult life someone has asked me, why am I single, after they have learned that I am. I am not offended by the question so to speak, but I am disgruntled by the reactions I get to my response. The answer is I am not ready and I am single because I want to be. True in my early twenties and particularly through my teen years all I wanted was to be with someone, however in my early twenties I also became more aware of myself and what I wanted. That fact has only grown with each passing year as I continue to learn more about myself, who I am, and who I want to be.
After telling someone I am not ready I get a barrage of “there is no right time” and “maybe you aren’t putting yourself out there enough”. The list only gets longer when I say I am not where I want to be at with my body, “plenty of people love big girls” and “you are pretty” and… A hundred more versions of the same attempts to sway me to be open to anything. The intentions are not bad though completely short sighted and occasionally filled with back handed complements. I used to accept these thoughts and feelings whole-heartedly, but later realized I was settling with that mindset.
I am morbidly obese and my wellness as a whole is compromised by that fact. It is not just about my body. It is about my mental, social, environmental, intellectual, occupational, and spiritual wellness. How I feel and think of myself, the control I surrender or attain effects every part of my life. I am not where I want to be with myself therefore I am not interested in trying to add another human to that equation in such an intimate way. I just got to where I accepted that just because I am not with someone does not mean that I am alone. I have close friends and family that love me and care for me.
It took years of changing my self-talk to acknowledge that. To take a moment and look at those who are already in my life. It kind of weirds them out when they catch me staring, which amuses me, but I am really doing it to take stock of them. They mean the world to me and I would not have gotten to where I am without them. It is important for me to just take moments and think about them and their love and I am in a better place with myself. It is not about validation either. None of us are perfect but it is about recognizing that these people stand with me in my heart. They cheer me on as I learn to cheer on myself and be my own motivator.
I am not alone. I am not ready for a relationship with someone else and I am single because I want to be. Right now, I am just happy to be with me.