Now is the perfect time for me to talk about getting back on the horse while I am climbing up to get back on mine. She is wild, though at times appears to be tamed. Many times, she has bucked me off her back retaliating my attempts to put a saddle on her with reigns. The more I try to control the more I am thrown.
I have been going through a few rough spots the last couple of years each time trying to control things that were not meant to be. I trusted the wrong things, and gave power to the wrong people. It happens when you are trying to figure out what you want and what is best for yourself despite the opinions of others. If I do not learn the lesson the first time, the wall presents itself again so that I may take part of a somewhat ritualistic headbanging practice until my senses are knocked back into place.
The wall separates me from my horse. The two are never behind me, always ahead. One is a lesson waiting to be learned the other a journey waiting to be taken. I am often frozen in fear before them, refusing to acknowledge the endless opportunities they both might bring. Recently I have learned to utilized that fear, so that the ice around my feet melts and I can move forward.
It takes time, practice, and faith. I am a person of faith but regarding this I mean faith in one’s self. It takes faith in yourself beyond the faith of others. I am blessed to have people who believe in me, more than I thought I ever would. Still, regardless of intention there are limits set in that belief by their words. Limits set for safety. Limits they believe will serve you but instead constrain. There are limits to every person that should be explored and at times honored but the limits which I look to free myself of are not these. I am working towards freeing myself from expectations, fear, the opinions of others, the scrutiny of myself, giving up my power, and waiting for the right time.
There is no right time. I used to, and still at times, fall into the falsehood that I can change when the time is right or my environment different. This leaves me to postpone action to a never arriving tomorrow. There is no right time and environment is not something that can always be controlled. I can control what I do with what I am given where I am at. I can control my actions. I can control how I participate in the world around me.
The following declaration was, to sum it up, a conversation with myself about what I want.
I want my life to be more than my past and my struggle. I want my life to be my work, my perseverance, my strength, and my love. I want it to be something sought after with a fervent heart. I am tired of lying in wait. I want my life to be everchanging and growing like the satellite images showing a time lapse of earths seasons demonstrating to us that it does breathe. That we move through time and space to more than a life taken for granted.
I am done sticking my head in the nearest distraction waiting for the next thing instead of running towards it. I am done filling my body with poison because it is easy. I am done with blind faith in what others tell me no matter who they are or if I love them or they me. Your limits are not mine. My life is not your right. It belongs to me. Not a person, place, or thing outside of the sentience within.
This declaration I believe. These things I seek.
I have a choice to act with faith, to leap into the unknown. Failure is now my friend and not my most feared enemy. Taking risks for the betterment of my life in my pursuit of happiness becomes ritual as I find my truth. I knock down the walls and climb on my horse. She is barebacked with no reigns. She lets me hold to her mane when I am scared or lose my balance. Life will change and I will adapt.