It is very important to me that I share the bad days. When looking at other people’s success stories they talk about tough times but they don’t often address them specifically. Although, specifics are mentioned with the greatest days like the day a person decides to make the change or follow up days when a person finally feels like progress is being made. I want to share my funk, the times when I feel like giving up because I have lost faith in my path or that one even exists.
I will keep many things private because they are for my internal journey but I still think it is important to share the overall basic struggles. Evident from a lack of posting, I withdrew into myself. I have a few important transitions coming up and at some point, I shutdown because I was overwhelmed. I do not always know when I have done it. Usually a loved one reaches out after realizing I have fallen off the radar. I am typically a talker so, if I have not sought-out quality conversation time someone takes notice.
I do not call my parents, who I regularly speak with about two to three times a week. I don’t call or text my two best friends, who I typically contact every other day. I stop picking up my room. I stop taking care of me. I lock myself in my head.
It is not something I want to do. It is an escape mechanism that turns out to be more harm than good. I whirl about things I have no control over. I whirl about bad decision making and start doing a judgment spiral. None help me to actually pick myself up and move on. All hinder progress or put me in danger of completely giving up. I used to spend weeks if not months in this mode. Now it is a day here and there, in and out. I might go a week under the radar fighting myself to get out of it, but I don’t just live there anymore.
It is important to acknowledge these things when I do them because I am able to act instead of submitting to defeat. Fortunately, I have a support system that also helps me. My parents and friends call me. They shake me up and tell me they love me. Sometimes they even get angry with me. All of it helps. Every word and expressed emotion letting me know they are mine and I am theirs.
They help me fight the bad days. They teach me how to fight for myself with myself. It is one of the most important things I have ever learned how to do. It is okay to have internal conflict I don’t think meaningful change can happen without it.
I have learned that fighting myself is the best way for me to grow. I get to have a relationship with myself. It is such a fulfilling feeling, to finally be comfortable in my own space. This was only made possible by starting to accept the love that has been in my life. Love I used to think I didn’t deserve or understand.
My support system is my safety net when I lose track of the safe place inside of me. They remind me I am not alone no matter how much I think or feel that I am. Take note that someone has been where you are, specifics or no, someone has been there. You are not alone in your experience. Reach out when you find yourself sinking into a bad day and, if you can’t do that, accept the truly loving hand that comes to help you.