“Introspective Adventures”

Taking introspective adventures is essential to figuring oneself out. I look to my past, present, and future for insight. The past can be a guide when looked at as an observational reference point, looking at the reality of the present brings clarity, and imagining my best future self brings hope.  I found it slightly difficult to put it into words that flowed smoothly. The reality is that is not a smooth process.

The past can be a daunting trail to travel. It takes practice to learn to look at what has already transpired. This includes the actions of myself within my control, others actions which I have no control over, and life’s own winding way.  I had to learn not to judge myself and accept the decisions I had made that brought me to where I am. As previously mentioned this is not an easy process but rather lengthy and painful.  It sounds discouraging which is a reason I will probably repeat mentioning it in various writings. It is important to work through the feelings I desperately sought to suppress. This can and does often stop people from moving forward in their journey. It took work before I could get beyond the fear of my past possibly bleeding into my future.

The present can be difficult to look at simply because it is easy to be preoccupied with anything other than actual reality. It is easier for me to look at other people or the world for distraction. I use to take on problems that were not my own which sounds a little indifferent if you don’t understand where I am coming from. I believe in being an advocate, activist, and friend but I also know from experience that feeding into others issues before tackling my own is an excuse not worth its merit. I would additionally use various types of media to submerge my consciousness. Television and movies were my go to sand boxes. One day I finally rose from the sand after walking through my past and facing my present by looking in the mirrors that brought me back to reality.

The progression of healing takes time. Another thing I will continue to repeat perhaps for the rest of my life.  Once you have looked at what was and what is you can get a glimpse of what could be. The first time I saw her, the me I want to be, I was in my car after a therapy session. I was driving home feeling the usual emotional release. I do not know exactly why but I began to imagine myself floating around a dance floor with my dad at my wedding. I was happy and healthy. I smiled at this version of myself I had not quite thought possible. Now it was like she was my future.

She is someone I can visit inside myself now. I do not know if I will get married though it something I hope for, but I do know that I will see that version of me again. I will see her in the mirror instead of just inside my head.

It is important to spend time with yourself, healthily. I was in therapy for a while before I learned how to navigate my own head space. There was a time when I was not a safe place for myself. When looking inside was psychological self-mutilation. Introspective adventures are meaningful. They help to give perspective, clarity, and calm. Take time to be selfish. To care for the person that was, is, and will be. They will guide you and grant you peace.

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