My body did not do this to me. I did it to my body correspondingly to the whole of my being. Saying those words aloud and understanding them as a part of my truth have helped me to look in the mirror. There was a time when I would lay some of the blame on others but once I learned how to be and do better, it was me who kept my obesity going. I did try off and on again to begin the process of healing, but I would always give up. I would give myself an excuse or give into fear, depression, and anxiety. I let my past own my life.
I did not look to who I could be. I only ever looked to who I was. I clung to this sad codependent person I had been because she was what I knew. There was no fear in failing if I did not try. The difference, now, is my ability to look at my pain, my body, my internal self, and to use each to push me forward.
I struggle with delving into certain things that I have gone through which perpetuated my weight, codependency, and lack of love for self. I want to tread carefully but still provide relatable insight into where I had come from. There came a time for me, at 16, when someone gave me a different lens to look at my life. First I was hurt, angry, and resentful. I could not imagine a life any different from the one I was living.
We had not asked for the damage we were given. She took mine in stride and helped me. It was not easy. For a long time, I fought against her. I stuck to what I knew. A world I had created, a world that did not really exist. A place where what I knew was truth and everything else was fiction. But as I fought her she also fought me. She fought me with love, kindness, understanding, and empathy. She did the hard stuff. She used every tool she had and developed more along the way to help me until I could do it on my own.
I slowly began to sink into reality and let go of my illusions. I sat in my own skin. I looked in the mirror. It was hard. It took time. But I had the tools. I was taught, despite being hard-headed, I learned. I started to take baby steps. Then when I was ready in my own time I took full-grown steps. I started to make friends who, like her, could be a mirror that I could look to. People who could help me grow into my best self. I still fall flat on my face now and again but instead of just lying on the floor I find a way and get back up again.